


It Should’ve Been Me

by HarpforHim



Series: In a Angst-Ridden Galaxy Far, Far Away... Whumptober 2020 [6]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, CT-7567 | Rex Needs a Hug, Episode: S06e04 Orders, F/M, Gen, Grief, Mentioned CT-27-5555 | Fives | ARC-5555, No. 19, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Padawan Anakin Skywalker, Parental Mace Windu, Post-Episode: s04e07 Darkness on Umbara, Post-Episode: s04e10 Carnage of Krell, Post-Episode: s06e04 Orders, Survivor’s Guilt, Whumptober 2020, Young Obi-Wan Kenobi, four part series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:00:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27103099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarpforHim/pseuds/HarpforHim
Summary: “It should’ve been me...”Four men, four traumas.Four wondering if they’ll ever come out on top again in the future when their present is so bleak.(A four part series written for the prompt “Survivor’s Guilt,” featuring Obi-Wan, Anakin, Rex, and Boil, and their struggle to overcome their own guilt.)
Relationships: Boil & Waxer (Star Wars), CT-7567 | Rex & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Mace Windu, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Series: In a Angst-Ridden Galaxy Far, Far Away... Whumptober 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1967068
Comments: 16
Kudos: 76





	It Should’ve Been Me

**Author's Note:**

> Whumptober 2020  
> Day 19: Survivor’s Guilt/Grief

" _You never listen!"_

" _I'm listening to you_ _ **now**_ _!"_

" _You're not!"_

" _Anakin—"_

" _Forget it. You just don't understand."_

" _Then_ _ **help**_ _me to understand. Show me how to help you!"_

The way the boy had looked at him then would forever be etched in his memory. Such disgust, such disappointment and anger.

" _You'll never be Qui-Gon."_

The stabbing pain inflicted upon him by those four cruel words still tore at his heart even after Master and Apprentice had parted, each fleeing to their own sacred corners of the Temple. Anakin to his room, Obi-Wan to the Room of a Thousand Fountains.

To the little hidden alcove he used to run to when he couldn't connect with Qui-Gon.

When he felt inferior, guilty, and unworthy of the great Jedi Master's apprenticeship.

Meditation wouldn't come, so he'd stopped trying hours ago.

"I can't teach him, Master…" the young Knight whispered, knowing all too well the deceased couldn't hear him. "I can't be you. I can't—"

He choked on a rising, unwelcome sob, swallowing it down until it was a painful lump in his throat.

He couldn't relate to the boy, didn't know how to validate the emotions and anger left over from his past life.

"I never should've promised. I never should've made a promise I'm so ill-equipped to fulfil."

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

_There is no…_

Obi-Wan squeezed his eyes shut in a vain attempt to drown out the world.

 _I can't do this,_ he thought. _And even if I can't, I have to…_

A light rustle of leaves scraping against one another caught his attention faster than Anakin's tiny footfalls escaping their quarters at all hours of the morning.

When his head snapped back, eyes going wide with apprehension—because how had anyone found his most secret, most secure hiding spot?—Master Mace Windu came into view.

If it were any other Master, any other _Council_ member, Obi-Wan would have risen from his knees out of respect and protocol. But seeing as this was his late Master's oldest friend, and considering the fact that Obi-Wan was fairly certain he was stress paralyzed, he merely bowed his head in greeting.

"Good evening, Obi-Wan." Master Windu's voice was calm, gentle. A far cry from the stoic persona he kept up for his fellow Council members. "It's a little late to be meditating out in the gardens, don't you think?"

_Blast, how late is it?_

"May I sit down?" The tall Jedi inquired when Obi-Wan made no reply.

_Please, no. Please, just go_ _**away.** _

"Yes, Master. Of course."

_How in the stars did you find me?_

By the sudden twinkle in Mace's eye, Obi-Wan realized with horror that he'd given his unspoken question a voice after all.

_Blast!_

"I used to find Qui-Gon sitting here when we were initiates. Stars, that was a long time ago."

Obi-Wan felt the slightest twinges of a smile tugging at his lips, despite the way his heart still beat in tumultuous rebellion against him.

"I never knew that."

Mace chuckled. "I'm sure there are many things about your Master's childhood you don't know."

_And I'm always here if you'd ever like to talk about it._

This unspoken thought remained just that: _unspoken_. But Obi-Wan heard it all the same.

_Qui-Gon…_

"What brings you here now, then?" Obi-Wan couldn't help but ask.

"You."

The answer was simple, yet it cut Obi-Wan to the core.

_Me…_

"I'm sorry," he began hastily. "I didn't mean to upset you or interrupt your evening. My emotions… I'm trying to… I can't… They won't… I'm _sorry—_ "

Master Windu's warm hand was on his arm in seconds. "Calm down, Obi-Wan. It's all right. _Calm_ yourself."

Strangled gasps of air slowly morphed into regulated breathing as Obi-Wan fought to gain control of himself once more.

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

"Now, won't you tell me what's troubling you? Or do I have to drag it out of you like I did Qui-Gon?"

_Qui-Gon…_

_No. You're fine. You'll be all right. You just have to sort through this on your own—_

But he _wasn't_ on his own. Master Windu was _literally_ right there—their knees were almost touching.

"I…" Obi-Wan swallowed again, and this time, it _hurt._ "I… can't be what he wants me to be. I can't be… I can't be Qui-Gon for him."

He heard Mace suck in a light breath.

"And rightly so."

Obi-Wan started, shifting his gaze from the ground to the Korun Master's dark eyes.

"There was only one Qui-Gon," he continued gently. "On that, I think we both can agree."

And Obi-Wan nodded.

"Just as there's only one _Obi-Wan._ We can only be ourselves. Trying to be anyone else will only end in failure simply because we are _not_ someone else."

"I know," he replied with a sigh. "I just wish Anakin could see that."

"He will."

"How can you be so certain?"

" _ **Qui-Gon**_ _would've understood!"_ He shivered.

Mace smiled softly. "Because it's only been less than a month. You two have yet to truly adjust to each other. Or have you forgotten how long it took you and Qui-Gon to function as a team?"

_Oh._

_Qui-Gon…_

He didn't close his eyes lest he relive the moment of his Master's untimely death again. And again. And _again_.

The scene wouldn't leave him alone, much less his own failure and inability to save Qui-Gon from the double-edged blade of the Sith.

_Qui-Gon…_

"It should have been me." The words were out of his mouth before he could retract them, before he could stop their ugly meaning from weighing down on the once peaceful corner of the gardens.

He could feel Master Windu's Force presence still at this quiet declaration, as if trying to understand, to piece together all the possible reasons he might have for saying it.

"Obi-Wan…" Mace began slowly, cautiously. "Surely you don't—"

"Believe that?" Obi-Wan finished, knowing full-well where this was going. "How can I not? Can you honestly tell me that if I hadn't been the slightest bit faster, that if I had cleared the ray shields in time, my Master would still be dead? That if I hadn't—" He bit down on his lip to keep the rising sob at bay. "If I hadn't failed so miserably, he would be here now. He would know how to train this boy…"

And then, Mace was beside him, sliding his arm around Obi-Wan like he used to do when Obi-Wan was a young Padawan still and he just couldn't seem to connect with his Master—or please him at all, for that matter.

"Obi-Wan," the Jedi Master began again, his voice firmer this time, leaving no room for interruption. "What would Qui-Gon say if he heard you talking like this?"

Obi-Wan pursed his lips and bowed his head in shame.

"He always wanted the best for you," Mace went on, "and he didn't give you the task of training the Chosen One lightly. I know, deep down, he knew you could do it. Because Obi-Wan, you _can_ do it."

The young Knight blinked back a fresh onslaught of tears because grown Jedi don't cry.

"And you're not alone. I'm here to guide you, as is Master Yoda."

He was nodding despite himself. Yes, he was young and inexperienced, but he wasn't alone.

It was quite easy to forget this when your Padawan was screaming that he hates you, that you will never understand him.

Obi-Wan winced at the unpleasant memories.

"Do you understand?"

Mace's voice called for Obi-Wan to look up, and he dutifully met the Master's eyes. They had lost their commanding edge, reminding Obi-Wan of the way Qui-Gon used to look at him when he was hurt, or when he couldn't perfect his lightsaber katas.

" _Because perfection, young one,"_ he would say, his soft eyes fixed steadfastly on Obi-Wan's teary ones, _"is not the goal. The goal is understanding. Understanding is what leads us to mastery. Without understanding, perfection is unachievable."_

"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan whispered, unsure as to whether he was replying to Mace or his Master's memory.

"And I never want to hear of you wishing _you_ had died in Qui-Gon's stead, is that clear?"

"Perfectly."

Mace flashed him another comforting smile. "It is natural to mourn this loss, but you can't let it drag you down."

Another small nod.

And then: _**Master…?**_

Obi-Wan straightened, concentrating on the feeble voice coming through the newly formed training bond.

_**Master, I'm sorry I… Please, come back. I'm sorry…** _

Tears welled in Obi-Wan eyes again as the tiny voice cracked and he felt Mace help him to his feet.

"Go," he said—because who else would Obi-Wan be silently conversing with? "He needs you more than you think he does."

Obi-Wan's feet were moving before he could even form a reply.

"Thank you, Master Windu," he said over his shoulder.

Mace simply nodded.

The young Knight turned back to his Padawan and the path ahead. It was a long one, and it would be no small task, but he could do it. He knew he could.

Because he wasn't alone.

 _ **Anakin…**_ Obi-Wan took a deep breath before breaking into a jog. _**I'm coming.**_


End file.
